“Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.” It’s every thought from the moment the teacher hands out the syllabus in college. “You’re going to have multiple exams throughout the duration of this course.” Your professor says. Only on the syllabus there are no dates listed, just topics you’ll cover and the methods of how you will be studying. You can see “exams” listed there, amidst the other work you’ll have to do this semester: reading, researching, studying those who have gone before you in your field. Yet there’s no specified dates for your examinations. Your initial thoughts are “Oh, this will be interesting, I am going to learn a lot, but there is a lot of work to do. And how will I know I’m ready for the exam if there are no test dates? Pop quizzes are terrifying!”
Yep. This is how the Lord works in our lives. He gives us direction, and we can be sure the exams will come… Or that’s what I’m learning… With direction comes examination. Examinations of the posture of my heart and in my preparation tactics. I’m always left wondering “Have I studied enough? Have I prayed enough? Have I put enough time aside to really feel ready for the test day?”
God tests us and last week, He really tested me. In the middle of a Bible Study class, the Spirit asked me my test question. You see, as I have been walking in the direction of my WorldRace venture, I have begun the studying process. My semester has just begun. I have started to study missionaries of old, those mentioned in scripture, those written about in books and those who have written books. I have begun considering what I will need with me on my trip and researching these things. I’ve also spent time identifying the things I won’t need, the things I won’t be able to bring with me. For the majority I have considered getting rid of material possessions, selling my Jeep, decluttering my apartment, getting rid of clothes (This is usually a tough one!). I’ve also been able to have a few meet-ups with “classmates”, the people I’ll be completing my trip with. And so, here I was thinking I was preparing well, when God threw in my first exam. He said “Savanna, are you prepared to surrender all, more than just your possessions? Because you are going to have to surrender your relationships, your most valued earthly connections. You are going to have to leave the people you love most, your greatest supporters, your biggest encouragers and walk into this journey alone and separated.” The sense of heartbreak flooded over me as I thought for even a few seconds about leaving the people I love. It caused me to examine my heart. It left me feeling unprepared, uncomfortable and weary.
So what did I do? How did I respond? I went to sleep, because how else can you ultimately avoid your earthly nightmares? I didn’t want to take the test, my heart wasn’t prepared for that question, even though I knew my answer of “yes”. I hadn’t studied for that one! I hadn’t emotionally or Spiritually considered leaving the people that bring life to me and stepping out into the cold, dark world alone. Although I have logical answers for how I’ll navigate a new life, all around the world, without my closest confidants, my heart isn’t there yet. Yes, I know that God is with me. I know that I will be with like-minded people and that the plans are set-up for us to be successful on every step of this journey but leaving so much good, protection, comfort, encouragement, is heart wrenching for me. So instead of giving that emotion of fear and heartbreak over to the Lord, I let it fester in my being, in my mind and tried to avoid it. Even though I went to sleep physically, my mind was left on panic mode. I was in a frenzy. I had not one, two or three stress dreams that night but four! I took the day off of work knowing I needed to acknowledge this test, knowing I needed to figure out how to get my emotions on page with my reality. I spent the next thirty plus hours, working through this word problem. I studied the Word, fasted, prayed and worshipped. I wanted my heart to be on the same page as my head was. I wanted to be able to pass this pop quiz.
Having an immediate response to the Lord, giving Him my full attention allowed me to calm my heart, clear my mind of the fears and anxieties and become at peace with the answer I already knew I would have to give. I know I’ll have to give up the comfort of my friendships, my people, and my places to walk into unknown destinations, and more examinations. It will be the next evaluation of my life. An evaluation I’ll have to experience solely with my teacher. My only goal is to hear Him say, “Job well done.” At the end of things. So here, having just completed my first big exam in preparation for my end of semester evaluation, my culminating project, I am glad for it. Though it blindsided me, though it stopped me in my tracks, I know better how to prepare for the end of my semester and next term. I also know what I need to work on and what I am walking into. Ultimately, I was able to practice using my Spiritual skills of prayer, worship, studying and fasting. I know I will need to have them sharpened and ready for evaluation day.
